Shiko-Msa

Did you know that January 16^th is International Nothing Day? And 21^st January is Squirrel Appreciation Day? And January 26^th is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. Check here for a few more crazy holidays. The bubble wrap day I’ll honour. I love bubble wrap. I don’t actually go out and buy it but if it lands in my hands by chance, for some strange reason I leave no bubble unburst.

Now how about we have an International Slap Your Workmate Day. Not that people don’t already trade slaps in offices and boardrooms. The purpose of making a day for it is to ensure amnesty against any assault cases resulting from the slaps that will be traded. No court cases so people will be free to exercise their palms to the possible maximum. You may only slap one workmate though and any slaps outside the said day are liable for prosecution.

Here in the office I have a very good idea who I’m going to slap when that day is finally passed into law. I’m not playing the holy card here. I’m not by any chance that bespectacled geek in the corner office who thinks their workmates are cheap. I do participate in office banter a lot but sometimes I just want to shut up and work. Ok Shut up and blog. I have two candidates for the slap but Bonge wins my palms hands down.

Ours is an open plan office and our work is such that different departments are busy on different days. My candidate is an Information Technology geek. What do IT guys actually do on a day to day basis? When all computers are working perfectly and the networks are fixed to perfection? They browse and chat that’s what. I mean, how many times can you fix a network or service them hard discs?

This one of ours here traverses the internet morning to evening and comes up with all sorts of weird subjects all of which he’s generous enough to share. It is when you’re trying to crack that mystery of some missing papers that you worked on just the other day that he’ll tell you about the ASCII CODE and the philosophy behind it. If you’re not interested in that, then surely you want to hear about how a volcano comes to be? How the juices boil in the belly of the earth until them tectonic plates can hold no more? How about the Ritcher scale, that one of earthquakes? The law of thermodynamics? The quantum theory? The benzing ring in chemistry and how tricarboxylates react with enamines. That’s the kind of talk he puts us through. His new craze of late is the prices of oil per barrel and he actually spends time doing some imaginary oil trade on the net! Oh Come on Bonge! How about we discuss Jennifer Lopez twin babies today?

As a plus for him, he’s very well versed in just about any topic in the world. If you really need to know something then he’s the guy to ask.

This article is posted with full blessings from dear Bonge. Noisemaking notwithstanding, he’s a very sweet guy to work with. And it never hurts anyone to be in the good books of the IT guy does it? His next project? You guessed right – he’s gonna be a writer/blogger. And he won’t just be writing short articles like one Shiko. He swears he’ll come up with an online novel in a few short months.

Make a statement without saying a word – this aptly describes East African Brewery’s new kid on the block Alvaro. In it’s stylish green bottle, it has an outstanding sophisticated look synonymous with the 24-35 age group for whom it’s targeted.

Produced in pineapple and pear flavours, Alvaro seems to have hit the market with a bang with sales having already jumped to three times above the projected trends. In pubs and supermarkets the drink is said to be flying off the shelves. The high sales are not just from the excitement of a new drink but also from the fact that in complete departure from it’s elder brother Malta Guiness, Alvaro is great tasting, crisp and refreshing. And the price was a pleasant surprise. I bought it for 25 bob at Nakumatt. I’m yet to see it at the local shop though. If shopkeepers embrace it then Coca Cola who are known for not so ethical business practices may be in some trouble. And I hope they have plans to introduce a canned version some time in the future. The idea of returnable bottles is so last century.

The introduction of Alvaro will create more than 100 direct jobs, plus of course thousands of indirect ones – a sure plus for present Kenya. And what could any venture be without Equity Bank these days. In a partnership with EABL, the bank which has caused chills down the spines of other established banks will step in to finance specific distributors of Alvaro.

Malta Guinness on the other hand I believe is an experiment gone horribly awry. Like the scientists gave up on it before they completed the process and put it in the market anyway. The first and last time I tasted it, I was done with in on sip one. But I had to finish all my money’s worth. By the time I took the last sip I was ready to sue for extended trauma. It has a thick sickening taste like molasses dissolved in water or something like that. Try it warm, cold, ice cold, chilled – it’s still the same thing. Sorry Malta.

In my opinion the other drink that may feel the heat from Alvaro is Redbull. A lot of people don’t drink Redbull because they’re badly in need of a tourine fix. Nor do they drink it because they’re so dead tired they need an immediate energy boost. It’s the refreshing crispiness of a chilled Redbull that does the magic. And maybe the class that goes with having a few Redbulls sitting in the fridge

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. This is one thing ‘Bob’ learned the hard way a few years ago when he had his face and upper body splashed with acid by a jilted lover. She cleverly lured him into a trap by asking him to drop her to pick some things at Sun ‘N’ Sand Beach Hotel in Kikambala off the Mombasa-Malindi highway. She had done her homework well and knew that to get to the hotel which is quite interior from the highway, they would pass through some dark deserted areas. Love affairs are difficult to read from outside so whether the lady in question was actually jilted or not is something nobody except the two can know for sure. But I don’t think anyone deserves an acid bathe on the face for whatever reason.

They met at around 8.00 and set off to the hotel. At the most deserted stretch, the lady poured the acid on the left side of his face and upper body. She also stabbed him but fortunately the knife did not touch any vital organs. It’s the burning and the realization that he was staring death in the face in a dark deserted place that was really getting at him. He stayed there burning for close to two hours. Fortunately he survived. He was rescued by a tours and travel van driver who was coming from the hotel and rushed to hospital where he stayed for months undergoing reconstructive treatment. His face was permanently disfigured by the time he left the hospital.

From the reports I’ve read around, an acid bathe at first feels like hot water on the skin. Then there’s stinging and a burning sensation that gets worse and worse as the acid eats into the flesh. The victim feels like his/her face is melting away. A lot of victims of this heinous and cowardly crime die soon after the attack but those who survive require months of hospitalization and reconstructive surgery. It’s like the acid also continues to eat at the flesh of the victim way after treatment commences. Some have to have their faces rebuild piece by piece over time. Whichever way, they carry the physical and emotional scars for life. The Psychological trauma of permanent disfiguration is immense and considering that most attackers target the face, permanent blindness is common.

This cowardly but frightening phenomenon is not as common in Kenya as it is in countries like Cambodia and Nigeria but that does not mean it does not happen. Cases of acid assault reported at Kenyatta National Hospital for example are in the range of 4-5 per month. In Nairobi Women’s hospital they’re few and far between but when they are brought in, they’re of such magnitude they’re not easily forgotten. Acids and other corrosive substances belong to laboratories and industries but the thing is it’s very easy to acquire them. Sulphuric and Hydrochorolic acids which are the ones most commonly used by attackers are both readily available over the counter at Kshs.500 per liter. One can even get then from car repair shops for a pittance. Although Kenya has signed three UN conventions regulating the sale of acids and other corrosive agents, it’s yet to adopt this law within the country.

Acid wielding killers are just as bad as gun totting criminals and just like we have gun controls, we need some regulation on sales of acids and other corrosive substances.

American Idols, probably the most watched show in the history of entertainment finally crowned it’s winner David Cook at the Nokia Theatre in grand finale fit for a superstar. It was touching to see him get overcome by emotions after his last performance. Maybe reflecting on his long journey on American Idol was just too much for him and he was glad it was finally over.

There’s no doubt both Davids are extremely talented. But I’d always been rooting for David Archuleta through out the season and I still believe he delivered. Cook is definitely a great singer but his performances I thought were a bit lackluster for a grand finale compared to Archuleta who delivered knock out after knock out which prompted Simon Cowel to declare him winner of round 1 and 2 of the 3 rounds. It’s just as well though. At just 17 the boy is too young. He has a very powerful voice but most of the time he just didn’t know what to say when asked questions. But hey! It was not a talking competition.

I think America was afraid to catapult him to teenage megastardom lest he meets the ogre that ate former teenage star’s Britney Spears’ brains. He’s already a star by virtue of his big voice and immense talent but maybe having not won the title will give him a chance to cool off and complete his studies. The youngster had trouble even dealing with the possibility of being crowned American Idol Season 7. Throughout the show he looked mostly overwhelmed – like he would faint at any time. David Cook on the other hand is more mature at 25 years and is better placed to handle the pressures that are likely to come with is new job. I hope their careers will blossom like for some of the former winners of American Idol.

Speaking of former American Idol Winners, I was really shocked at the performance of one Fantasia Barrino on the show a few weeks ago. Talk of change of musical style! She was never my favorite even during her season but at least she had a sweet voice and actually used to actually sing! This time she landed onto the stage with blazing red hair, red lips and red nails and shouted herself hoarse. Whatever she’s smoking she needs to stop. Even Simon Cowel was caught on camera gawking in obvious disbelief. Other past winners like Jordan Sparks and Kerry Underwood seem to be doing much better.

Picture this. You’ve had a long week and by Saturday you’re looking forward to a quiet time at home for the entire weekend either alone, or with your family or friends. You buy everything you’ll need for those two days as you get ready to wallow in blissful peace and quiet until Monday morning when you get up to go back to work thoroughly relaxed.

But someone else has other plans for your weekend. A church that recently sprouted less than 100 meters away from your estate has been assembling a huge public address system in preparation for an afternoon crusade that will run into an overnight prayer vigil. You’ve had a lovely late lunch and just when you’re settling in for that movie you borrowed, the serene silence of the neighborhood is shattered by the now familiar ‘Testing Testing One Two Three Hallelujah’. The word Hallelujah is supposed to invoke positive feelings for the good Lord but in this case a curse escapes your lips. Your problem is not the content of their message though. You also acknowledge the power of God in your life and appreciate that after all there is such a thing as freedom of worship and speech. The problem is the volume of the amplified speakers. The problem is that they’re forcing you and the whole neighborhood to listen to them – what they want, when they want and at the volume they want.

And so there ends your dreams for a peaceful weekend. They must be worshiping in shifts because they are at it all afternoon, all night and after a brief lull, they’re back Sunday morning around 10.00 am. On Wednesday there is the weekly prayer meeting, Tuesday there is choir practice and some other day in the week there is Piano and other instruments practice – all accompanied by amplified singing and praying.

This is a scenario that is becoming all too common in Kenya with churches sprouting all over and inching increasingly closer to residential areas. Pubs, company promotions and other non Christian street noisemakers are material for a whole nother post. As much as there are laws to guard the freedom of speech in Kenya, there seems to be none to guard residents against amplified noise or music that is unreasonably loud, raucous, jarring or disturbing to persons other than those for whom it is intended. Take for example a small tin walled church of 30X40 feet. A single loud speaker or indeed none at all, is enough to address the maximum number of congregants that can be accommodated in there. So if the same church mounts loud speakers on the roof, it is no longer for the intended audience but for the neighbors. But is the church sure the neighbors want to listen in the first place? The unfortunate bit is that a church more than any other noisemaker can always play the holy card. How can you complain while the Lord said to spread his holy word? You must be so unholy bla bla bla.

I feel we need a law on this or if we have one it needs to be enforced. Amplified sound of any kind should only be allowed at certain times and should only be audible upto a certain distance – say 250 feet. Some countries have done their bit to protect their citizens against amplified noise. This has seen preachers arrested under these laws, thrown into jail and their equipment confiscated. In 1996 for example, American Christian Enterprises and SOS Ministries sued the city of San Fransisco for discrimination citing that the police and some listeners disliked what they said. But the US Circuit Court of Appeals rejected their claims with Judge Ronald Gould saying in his ruling that from the evidence provided, the people were concerned about unacceptable noise levels and not with the content of the message.

Have a quiet day.

Clemo was a class behind me in high school and one of those uppity fellows that I never quite got to either love too much or understand entirely. The chap’s pocket money never seemed to run out and on top of his stunning good looks, had a wicked sense of humour. These combined to ensure that he always had a little crew (nowadays called the hommies?) in tow around the school. He also had a way with ‘baibes’ who were his to pick from whenever the girls’ schools came visiting for debate or whatever. And wasn’t Clemo talented! He was a leading actor, articulate debater, and basketballer and pioneered the setting up of the school’s rugby team. Then to top it up, he always ended up amongst the top performers in exams. What more could a guy ask for? Beer perhaps.

Clemo took to the bottle early on and would regale us with his weekend escapades about tipple and girls at the clubs that he frequented. Occasionally his parents would let him host a bash at their house for the hommies when they traveled upcountry or abroad. This made Clemo ‘The Tough Mohine’ and quite popular. And the rest of us quite ordinary.

After he passed his high school exams, his dad enrolled him to some college in England to study law. And so he disappeared from the scene for a little while until news started filtering back that his drinking had gotten out of hand. Indeed, before a year was through, his dad shipped him back and no sooner had he arrived than we received the shocking news that Clemo had taken his life after a row with his dad. As we later learnt, his dad was not his biological father but had taken him on after marrying his mother. Apparently, Clemo’s divorced biological father was very much alive but a drunken never-do-well. On his return from England, his enraged step-father let go all manner of vitriol on Clemo, whom he could not fathom following in his real father’s ways. Not after all the effort he had made to give him the best that money could buy. Apparently when Clemo’s mum remarried, he was still a toddler and they made a pact to never tell him his real roots.

Clemo’s death left many of us in emotional turmoil for quite some time. I tried to imagine myself in his position when the brutal truth was thrown at him and I shuddered. Had this man who had brought me up and lavished me with all the things I ever wanted been faking his love? Why? Why tell me now? Is my drinking the excuse for his hate so as to abandon and disinherit me now? What will my friends think when they learn that my real father was actually just a useless village lay-about? Can I face the poor vagabond that is my father and live with him? Can I continue living here flaunting another man’s prosperity when my own father probably scrounges a living at market dumps? And mum, why did she let all this happen without even a word? Are they telling the truth now?

His burial ceremony was brief and intensely emotional. People were shaken, tearful and quietly went their separate ways. As if silently asking themselves who their fathers were.

So, do you really want to know who your father is? While it is easy to find evidence to prove that your mother is who she says she is, it may not be so for the man who claims to be your father. For although paternity matching by DNA analysis has been around for quite some time, it is only now being made locally accessible by CSI Kenya Limited, a forensic company set up recently in the country. For a fee of about Ksh 20,000, they provide a kit with which to obtain a swab from inside your mouth and that of the putative father. They then dispatch the samples to their affiliate laboratory in the US from where match results are sent after a week or two. A fairly simple exercise that should definitively put to rest the question of who your father is.

The forensic kit from CSI Kenya can also be used to provide indisputable evidence against suspects in rape cases. Hoping cost will not be prohibitive, the kit should find widespread acceptance although on the legal front it is not clear whether the rules of evidence admissibility in our courts will accommodate the use of results obtained from CSI Kenya.